Beautiful disaster. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of her. Who hurt you? The first question comes to mind when I open my mouth to greet her. Although it wasn’t the easiest to reach, I knew her heart was pure . Gentle to the touch yet stubborn as a bull, she made it hard to resist her. Unintentionally, she sank her hooks in me . She was the calm before my storm . A thunderous, darkening storm with lightning that graciously exposed the paternity of my brother and me... moreBeautiful disaster. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of her. Who hurt you? The first question comes to mind when I open my mouth to greet her. Although it wasn’t the easiest to reach, I knew her heart was pure . Gentle to the touch yet stubborn as a bull, she made it hard to resist her. Unintentionally, she sank her hooks in me . She was the calm before my storm . A thunderous, darkening storm with lightning that graciously exposed the paternity of my brother and me . Though the gloom of it all lingered above both our heads, the winds that accompanied the storm were the breath of fresh air that I needed. Instead of the hovering clouds producing gazillions of little droplets of rain, they showered me with new siblings, nieces, nephews, sister-in-laws, and brother-in-laws . For so long, it had just been me, my mother, my cousins, and my brother. But, then there was her and eventually, them. Simultaneously, I found my father and my forever . And, I was ready for whatever when it came down to them both. Victim of my despair. That’s what I believe him to be. Why must you continue hurting yourself to love me? It’s the question I desperately want to ask the man who sees no flaws in such a flawed woman. Persistent, he was – unintentionally making it most difficult to bury my trauma . Forgetting the past and what it had done to me wasn’t easy. I lived with the consequences of it all each and every day. But, him, he made me want to . The issue was, I couldn’t. Not for him. Not for me. Not for our future. So, instead of stringing him along, I prayed each day that he’d find someone to fill the void that his heart must’ve suffered from because I couldn’t. But, he didn’t want anyone else . He wanted me. I just didn’t have myself to give. Not to him… and not even to me . less
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