Dortmunder Series by Donald E. Westlake, Lax

John Archibald Dortmunder is the thief whose capers never quite come off. Here, the released convict and his ride pal Kelp plot to steal the $500,000 Balaboma Emerald. The former British colony has recently become independent and split. The Akinzi have the stone, the Talabwo want it back, and their UN rep will pay for retrieval.

When John Dortmunder sets out to rob a bank, he really means it. He steals the whole thing. With the help of his usual crew, as well as a sophomoric ex-FBI man and a militant safecracker, Dortmunder puts a set of wheels under a trailer that just happens to be the temporary site of the Capitalists' & Immigrants' Trust Corp.When the safe won't open and the cops close in, Dortmunder realizes he's got to find a place -- somewhere in suburban Long Island -- to hide a bank... moreWhen John Dortmunder sets out to rob a bank, he really means it. He steals the whole thing. With the help of his usual crew, as well as a sophomoric ex-FBI man and a militant safecracker, Dortmunder puts a set of wheels under a trailer that just happens to be the temporary site of the Capitalists' & Immigrants' Trust Corp.When the safe won't open and the cops close in, Dortmunder realizes he's got to find a place -- somewhere in suburban Long Island -- to hide a bank."One of the funniest conceptions you're going to come across...the ending is hilarious." (The New York Times) less

The priceless painting is titled "Folly Leads to Man's Ruin," and its owner, the rich and careless Mr. Chauncey, wants it stolen for the insurance payout. That's why he hires Dortmunder, who has a foolproof plan. Just in case, Chauncey also recruits a hit man to make sure he gets the painting back.Too bad Dortmunder doesn't take the painting's message to heart. He gets stuck in an elevator, and the painting vanishes... moreThe priceless painting is titled "Folly Leads to Man's Ruin," and its owner, the rich and careless Mr. Chauncey, wants it stolen for the insurance payout. That's why he hires Dortmunder, who has a foolproof plan. Just in case, Chauncey also recruits a hit man to make sure he gets the painting back.Too bad Dortmunder doesn't take the painting's message to heart. He gets stuck in an elevator, and the painting vanishes. Now he's got a few more days to live, unless he comes up with the painting -- or another foolproof plan."Westlake is America's funniest crime novelist." (New York Daily News) less

Be careful what you steal . . . A fast-paced crime caper from the Edgar Award–winning author and “funniest man in the world” (The Washington Post Book World).The Byzantine Fire is much more than a ninety-carat ruby. As a stone it’s worth over a million dollars, a value vastly increased by its pure gold band—but its history makes it priceless... moreBe careful what you steal . . . A fast-paced crime caper from the Edgar Award–winning author and “funniest man in the world” (The Washington Post Book World).The Byzantine Fire is much more than a ninety-carat ruby. As a stone it’s worth over a million dollars, a value vastly increased by its pure gold band—but its history makes it priceless. A ring that has been fought for with sword and pen, and passed from nation to nation by all manner of theft and trickery, it finally made its way to the United States. The US has agreed to return it to Turkey, but it’s about to be stolen twice more. A gang of Greeks armed with Sten guns burst into the security room at JFK Airport and escape with the priceless stone, which they deposit in the safe at a small jeweler’s shop in Queens. A few hours later, unlucky thief John Dortmunder, expecting a routine robbery, steals it again. Much blood has been shed for this little ruby, and Dortmunder’s could be next. less

John Dortmunder, anti-hero of such comic crime classics as The Hot Rock and Good Behavior , returns home at dawn after another failed burglary. He is horrified to find his apartment occupied by an old cellmate everyone supposed (and hoped) had been locked up for life. Tom Jinson needs Dortmunder's help. Nearly thirty years ago, before his last prison stretch, Tom pulled a big job up near Albany. A very big job. His partners ran into some "trouble" and Tom was left with the entire $700,000... moreJohn Dortmunder, anti-hero of such comic crime classics as The Hot Rock and Good Behavior , returns home at dawn after another failed burglary. He is horrified to find his apartment occupied by an old cellmate everyone supposed (and hoped) had been locked up for life. Tom Jinson needs Dortmunder's help. Nearly thirty years ago, before his last prison stretch, Tom pulled a big job up near Albany. A very big job. His partners ran into some "trouble" and Tom was left with the entire $700,000. He buried the money in a small, upstate valley town. And while Tom sat in jail, the state of New York turned the valley into a reservoir. The stash is now under three feet of dirt and fifty feet of water. Being the nasty sort of fellow that he is, Tom's plan is to blow up the dam, flood the surrounding countryside, and grab the cash. With the fate of 900 small-town nobodies hanging in the balance, it falls to Dortmunder to formulate an alternate plan for retrieving the loot. Dortmunder takes the plunge. And fails. He successfully dissuades the group from attempting to burn off the water with a huge laser. He makes another attempt. And then another, as Tom's dynamite finger gets itchier and itchier. less

In his latest caper, Dortmunder is hired to steal the femur of a 16-year-old girl who was canonized because, 800 years ago, she was killed and eaten by her family. Now two European countries and the Catholic church are fighting like dogs over the bone. How will this free-for-all end? Don't Ask.

Dortmunder is in the midst of a routine burglary of a Long Island mansion when who shows up toting a gun but the owner, nasty billionaire Max Fairbanks. Worse, Fairbanks takes Dortmunder's supposedly lucky ring. Highly insulted, Dortmunder and his gang execute their own peculiar reign of terror, and although they acquire quite a bit of Fairbanks' swag, they never quite get the ring back. Which leads Dortmunder to wonder precisely what sort of luck the ring carries.

All it takes is a few underhanded moves by a tough ex-cop named Eppick to pull Dortmunder into a game he never wanted to play. With no choice, he musters his always-game gang and they set out on a perilous treasure hunt for a long-lost gold and jewel-studded chess set once intended as a birthday gift for the last Romanov czar, which unfortunately reached Russia after that party was over.From the moment Dortmunder reaches for his first pawn, he faces insurmountable odds... moreAll it takes is a few underhanded moves by a tough ex-cop named Eppick to pull Dortmunder into a game he never wanted to play. With no choice, he musters his always-game gang and they set out on a perilous treasure hunt for a long-lost gold and jewel-studded chess set once intended as a birthday gift for the last Romanov czar, which unfortunately reached Russia after that party was over.From the moment Dortmunder reaches for his first pawn, he faces insurmountable odds. The purloined past of this precious set is destined to confound any strategy he finds on the board. Success is not inevitable with John Dortmunder leading the attack, but he's nothing if not persistent, and some gambit or other might just stumble into a winning move. less